A week ago my friend Terry from over at Spearfruit passed away.
I am still at a loss for words and my feelings are in combat with each other – grief and sadness that this wonderful and gentle soul of a man has left this world far too early, anger that he had to suffer from so much pain in the last months, still helplessness because I couldn´t do anything to help him except by sending him words – just words! – of encouragement, and finally relief that his pain has come to an end and that he is now in a better place.
I know I need to focus on the good things though, remember all the kindness he showed me by always taking the time to comment on my blog even when he had to struggle with all that pain. I felt so humbled by this, by his endless kindness and generosity.
We met two years ago when I started blogging, he didn´t even have a name back then, neither a picture of himself, but the words and thoughts we exchanged were enough for us to know, that we liked each other and we became friends.
And then he opened up – he shared his name, his wonderful profile picture with that contagious smile and, even better: shared videos of himself riding a bike or dancing to some wonderful disco music from the 70´s – he promised me we would dance together when we would meet – those are the things I will always remember.
I keep thinking of him every day. I was thinking of a post I wanted to write at the beginning of this week and thought to myself: „Oh, I´m sure Terry would love that idea, it´s such fun. I wonder what he will say or at least I hope it will make him smile“ and then it hit me that he won´t see it anymore. That I can not make him smile again.
I´m fighting those tears again as I write this, I´m fighting them every day.
If someone had told me two years ago that I would be affected like this by a death from a virtual stranger who I had contact with „only“ online, I would very likely have denied it. Back then I didn´t know that by blogging I would find friends that have become so very dear to me over the last two years, even though I have never met them in person.
Now I´m wiser.
Now I am crying because I can not understand, don´t want to understand what has happened to my friend. I am crying because there´s this one friend I will never meet in this life.
I miss him. I miss him so much.
Rest in peace, dear friend. I will look out for your beautiful soul and one day we will dance and laugh together. If not in this life then in another.