A Week Ago

 

yellow rose Kopie

A yellow rose for my friend Terry, picked from a small bush growing on my window sill… yellow was his favorite color (Sept. 2017)

 

A week ago my friend Terry from over at Spearfruit passed away.

I am still at a loss for words and my feelings are in combat with each other – grief and sadness that this wonderful and gentle soul of a man has left this world far too early, anger that he had to suffer from so much pain in the last months, still helplessness because I couldn´t do anything to help him except by sending him words – just words! – of encouragement, and finally relief that his pain has come to an end and that he is now in a better place.

I know I need to focus on the good things though, remember all the kindness he showed me by always taking the time to comment on my blog even when he had to struggle with all that pain. I felt so humbled by this, by his endless kindness and generosity.

We met two years ago when I started blogging, he didn´t even have a name back then, neither a picture of himself, but the words and thoughts we exchanged were enough for us to know, that we liked each other and we became friends.

And then he opened up – he shared his name, his wonderful profile picture with that contagious smile and, even better: shared videos of himself riding a bike or dancing to some wonderful disco music from the 70´s – he promised me we would dance together when we would meet – those are the things I will always remember.

I keep thinking of him every day. I was thinking of a post I wanted to write at the beginning of this week and thought to myself: „Oh, I´m sure Terry would love that idea, it´s such fun. I wonder what he will say or at least I hope it will make him smile“ and then it hit me that he won´t see it anymore. That I can not make him smile again.

I´m fighting those tears again as I write this, I´m fighting them every day.

If someone had told me two years ago that I would be affected like this by a death from a virtual stranger who I had contact with „only“ online, I would very likely have denied it. Back then I didn´t know that by blogging I would find friends that have become so very dear to me over the last two years, even though I have never met them in person.

Now I´m wiser.

Now I am crying because I can not understand, don´t want to understand what has happened to my friend. I am crying because there´s this one friend I will never meet in this life.

I miss him. I miss him so much.

Rest in peace, dear friend. I will look out for your beautiful soul and one day we will dance and laugh together. If not in this life then in another.

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84 thoughts on “A Week Ago

  1. I feel terrible in saying this, but I know how you feel, which is not right, nobody knows how someone else is handling their own grieving situation, but what I should say is, that I do understand…… However one of lifelong friends suddenly passed away today, and I’m in personal shock, and feeling so very helpless also…… Sorry my dear, we’re not in charge, and I’ve learnt this over the years. My heartfelt condolences to you, at this sad time. Remember the good times, and crying is good for us….. xx

    Liked by 5 people

  2. A lovely tribute to your friend, Sarah. How wonderful it was for you to get to know him. We’re all very fortunate in this day and age to meet and befriend people from all walks of life and enrich one another’s life experience.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I feel exactly the same way, Sarah. I wrote to tell Terry how much he had given me. A remarkable man who changed the lives of others. I remain sad, yet I know Terry does not want others to be sad. So, somehow, I also know that he passed the torch, so to speak, and hopes that all of us can share in his outlook and doing. Does that make sense? Yesterday there was a Spearfruit post!! Seeing Terry’s photo was the best tonic, ever. And, it was Gary, sharing a beautiful letter from his cousin. Wonderful!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I too miss Terry. I remember his sharing his wonderful nature and positive thoughts. Like you I had no idea how much his passing would affect me. I’ve thought about him every day. Some one we’ve never met and yet how close we feel to him. I think it’s a testimony not only to Terry’s human goodness but also to a technology…blogging…that allowed us to share moments with him. How amazing it all is. Thank you for such a beautiful tribute to Terry. Your words are truly from the heart.

    Thank you dear Sarah,

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Paul. It was quite tough for me to write this. As is replying to all those wonderful comments left in response to it.
      I agree with you, it s a beautiful and unexpected thing to build friendships via this new technology with people we would hardly ever meet in the real world.
      Remembering Terry´s wonderful nature and positive thoughts is exactly what we all should do – his human goodness and kindness shone like a star in my mind and I´m thankful that Gary is keeping the blog open so that many more people will have the chance to meet Terry even though he is no longer with us.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Sarah. He would love this. You know he would. And somewhere out there he feels it. All the love pouring out that helped him to cope in the agony of his suffering. You were always there for him. Always kind, generous and gentle. In his words he ‘appreciated you greatly’. Terry was not much of a one for talking about love in the context of his blogging friends but I know he did love you. And I know you will have that dance one day. My love, my great, great love to you dearest sweet Sarah xxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Fiona! Thank you so much. I do believe he must feel all the love that´s coming his way, that´s been already part of his journey in the last two years. I envision it as a warm golden stream of thoughts and feelings, glittering and slightly whooshing from the sounds of golden colored translucent butterfly wings… 🙂
      I know it wasn´t easy for him to talk about love in the context of his blogging friends, and to be honest, I always thought it was a good thing that he didn´t take it lightly and I admired him for it. Too many people are saying they love someone and don´t really mean it which is one of the most hurtful things there are…
      But in his last message to me he send me this: “xox” and I was so, so unbelievably happy 🙂 It was his parting gift for me and I will always keep it in my heart. 🙂
      Much, much love to you, my dear friend xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  6. This is a beautiful post, Sarah, and is making me tearful again. I had no idea that yellow was Terry’s favorite color but you knew that. I saw my psychiatrist this week and explained about Terry’s death and how his blogs had affected me. He completely understood. Like you, I communicated more with Terry than most of my real friends so we are grieving even though we didn’t meet him in person. I keep wanting to look at his latest post. Much love my friend and thank you. 💛

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you very much, Kerry. And I´m sorry that this made your tears coming up again.
      Your psychiatrist sounds awesome! I´m so glad he gets it 🙂
      In a way, Terry will live on in all our hearts and thoughts and I´m so glad that Gary keeps the blog open so more people can have the chance to meet Terry even though he is no longer with us.
      I too come back to his latest post, but also the others, especially the ones about a year ago when everything seemed to be more hopeful…
      Have a very lovely Sunday, dear Kerry! Much love to you! 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss! Cyber friendships are very real, and so is the grief you are feeling from Terry’s death. I only discovered his blog a few weeks ago when Jodi (The Creative Life in Between) mentioned him, but it was easy to see what a special person he was and how he touched so many lives in such a profound way. I hope your memories are a comfort to you….

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Dear Sarah, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I can tell by your wonderful and heartfelt words that he was an extraordinary soul, a great person to get to know. I know what you mean about how when people initially start blogging that we really don’t understand that we are going to make such incredible friendships and form bonds with people that we never actually met in person, but we do. I have gained some great friends, including you, from my blogging. I know the grief inherent in loosing a good friend, I lost a childhood friend and school mate two years ago. It took me a long time to get over her loss and the fact that I would never see her again. My heart aches for you, and I will be thinking of you as you go through the grief process. Much love, dear Sarah. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your lovely warm and understanding words, dear Lana.
      Terry was as you say, a great person and an extraordinary soul and I am so very glad that I met him.
      And I am so sorry for the loss of your childhood friend two years ago. When it comes to grief time becomes relative. Yes, with time the raw edges can smooth out a bit, but the feeling of loss and sadness is not lessened with time, I think.
      I lost a school mate right at the beginning of my university education and I still think of him and all the things he won´t be able to do anymore…
      I often feel that we bloggers have opened up our minds and stretch the boundaries of the word and concept friendship to such a wonderful extent that is always hard to grasp for those who don´t participate.
      It is so good to talk with you guys about these things because you understand exactly what it feels like.
      And I´m so grateful for you and all the friends I have found here!
      Much love, Lana! Wish you a beautiful and creative week! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s apparent we all understand that even a short online relationship can be powerful. Some of my very best friends are here that I have never met. I would be devastated if I lost one of them. We send cards and gifts to each other and check on each other if one is absent too long. They may be virtual friends but our hearts don’t know the difference. I hope yours heals with time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Marlene.
      It´s wonderful that you have found your best friends here in the blogosphere!
      It´s good to know that you all understand my feelings, not only those of loss but those of gratefulness to have found friends as well.
      As you so beautifully put it: our hearts don´t know the difference between virtual and “real” friends.
      Wish you a beautiful and creative week! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This is a lovely tribute to Terry; beautiful image and words from the heart. I didn’t know Terry all that well, but still felt so welcome in his world and touched by his courage and sheer good nature. That he drew so many people to him and gave so much is testimony to what a special soul he was. I feel very grateful to have known him, and grateful too that his terrible pain has ended. Kia Kaha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Su. He meant a lot to me. We were all blessed to have known him and I know that he “appreciated” (his words – and I know that he actually meant love 🙂 ) you and your support very much too. Like you I´m glad that the terrible pains he had to endure are over, it broke my heart each time I saw him or read about it.
      Kia Kaha, my friend. 🙂 xxxxxxxx
      P.S. Thank you for introducing me to the Maori language – I think it´s beautiful! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Life can be so harsh, especially when it comes to an end. As you described, your friend doesn’t have to endure pain anymore, but the one surrounding him are left with a different kind of pain. And yes, that hurts and it will take time to have those feelings decrease a bit. Words can’t take away, but hopefully can be a comfort. So, I hope my words will comfort you my dearest Sarah, like yours comforted Terry.
    I am certain he will still see you smiling and dancing, so contribute him and find your smile again. Because it is as beautiful as Terry’s. Sending you a enormous hug and lots of kisses.
    Patty

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you dearest Patty, your words ARE a real comfort to me and it is beautiful to know that you and all the others understand me so well.
      I will try to smile again, I know he would want us all to be happy.
      Thank you for all the kisses and the enormous hug! I´m sending them right back to you 😀
      XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I am glad I came across your beautiful post. Your post about your close friend Terry – a ‘blogger’ friend – who knew you as you knew him. So sensitively and strongly expressed.
    I understand this loss is as real as if you physically met. Sharing your thoughts and feelings on almost daily basis can give a deeper relationship than many.
    Grieving and tears are good and keep writing. It cleanses as well.

    Wishing you richness in your memories and a smile again.
    miriam

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much for your lovely comment, Miriam.
      It feels so good that you and all the others can understand the feelings I´m going through right now.
      Terry will stay in my heart and be always a part of this wonderful blogging community.
      Wishing you a beautiful day and a wonderful week!
      Sarah

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This is a beautiful tribute to Terry ❤ He would be honored by it, Sarah. With your kindness you show us that there is still humanity in spades in the world… and that is a message that he would love so much to have you spreading xo

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Big hugs to you. I had a similar experience with another fellow blogger who did Monday Flash Fictions and I haven’t written those short stories since she passed. Each time I go back to write, I have this sad feeling. It’s amazing how close you can feel and get towards someone from afar. I’m very sad for your loss. Somehow I read here that there was beautiful learning and exchange made during this friendship just as I did from mine.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much for your warm and heart-felt words, Joycelin. And I can understand why it is so difficult now for you to write these stories since your friend has passed, but I know that she would be glad to know that you keep it up and think of her. I still think of Terry everyday and am thankful for all the things I learned through just knowing him, like being brave and trying to enjoy each day.
      Wish you a beautiful day, my friend! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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